When Ambition Feels Costly

Have you ever felt like you paid a price for your ambition?

A recent conversation with Dr. Frank Douglas for his Antifragility Reframe Podcast reminded me what what it felt like at a pivotal moment in my career when my ambition was getting me in trouble. 

I was outgrowing a situation at work, and it felt like just by following my path, I was ruffling feathers. I was straddling an assigned teaching curriculum and a new Deputy Director role for a federal grant of nearly a million dollars. And I was still pretty young in my career, barely a tenured professor, still hoping for a promotion to full professor.

The grant leadership role was invigorating, and I was still very committed to teaching and to being a team player in my department. But my ambition to embrace this leadership role while continuing to teach my specialty courses was not sitting well with some of my colleagues during this time, even though the grant covered replacement costs for other parts of my work assignment, plus leftover funds to benefit the department.

The story is complicated, but suffice it to say that over a space of months, I experienced a really difficult work environment. It became so unfriendly that I ultimately had to make a career pivot and move to a new department.

It was a painful and confusing time, during which I needed extra support. My spouse was amazing, always anchoring me in my value and my sense of reality. Friends and colleagues on campus provided pivotal support as well, bringing me into a new department situation. I sought career coaching for the first time, which gave me valuable perspective and strategy.

And I leveled up my own resilience and mental fortitude–as Dr. Frank would say, my ability to reframe. I remember thinking, “This is all part of my story.” Stories have ups and downs. It won’t be like this forever.

When I somehow completed the months-long process of getting approval to switch my departmental assignment into the department then named Women’s Studies, there was enormous relief. I landed in a place where people embraced my ambition and saw the value of my leadership in grants, as well as my diverse curriculum. Several years down the road, I’d be the formal leader of this department.

But early on in this transition, there was also some grief. I’d done a career pivot that highlighted the vulnerability most of us have in our jobs, and I felt some loss about my historian identity in a department that had different parameters and focus.

Still, the empowerment of navigating a painful pivot, and the support of new colleagues in a more healthy environment outlasted that grief phase.

And all of this set me up for more pivots to honor my ambition as it changed. Because part of my ambition is just that–a drive for change, exploration, and redefining my work from time to time to take on new challenges. There were many more chapters to come in my story in those respects. But I’m grateful to Dr. Frank Douglas for helping me see my own “anti-fragility” in navigation that one.

The podcast won’t air for a few more weeks, and I’ll be sure to post about it again. But as long as this topic is on my mind, I wanted to share the personal connection.

What’s your connection to the topic of ambition?

How have you navigated moments when your ambition seemed unsettling to others?

How has your ambition changed over time?

Let's talk about women and ambition!

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